My Body, My Self

 I really did not want this blog to exclusively feature recipes.  I really do want to document my (insert me rolling my eyes here) journey...  We're all on a journey, that's kind of what living is all about, really.

I also really want to write about body image issues; mine and those that impact all women.  As someone who spends a great deal of her time with adolescent girls, I need to wrap my brain around being as empowered about my own body image as I possibly can be.  Because I have had it with the ideals that we are inundated with and I am done hating myself.  My rational brain tells me that not even the models and celebrities we see everyday really look like that.  Check your Facebook feed and I guarantee you can find one of those, look at the impact of Photoshop posts pretty darn quickly.

Go ahead.  I'll wait.

So, rationally, I know that this all so much buillshit; fakery, trickery, marketing.  Personally, I think if a pro makeup and hair crew showed up at almost any woman's doorstep tomorrow, they could make her look like a supermodel, even before the Photoshop.

Yet I struggle...  I do not want to judge what any other woman feels and it is not my intention to make any woman feel bad about her body or appearance, but I do want to share my own story.  And part of my own story is acknowledging that when I was at my heaviest, I did not feel good physically.

I have been chunky, overweight, obese, fat...whatever...pretty much most of my life.  I am also blessed with a ton of muscle mass that is, unfortunately, hidden under a layer of fat right now that I am not pleased about. I know that my body composition is changing, slowly but surely, but it is taking a long time.

The "thinnest" I ever got was when I was about twenty five.  Ephedra was legal and I was suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder.  Hello, mania!  You could buy speed at CVS...how awesome was that??

The first year, I was doing an internship and getting my master's, then I started a third program, all to get my Connecticut teaching certificate in under a year.  At one point, I was student teaching in the morning, going to classes in Bloomfield in the afternoon, and then rocketing my way down to Bridgeport for classes at night.

I was flying; eating every couple of days.  And when I did stop to eat, I was eating total crap.  So, yes, I ate very little and not surprisingly, I lost weight.  I was still heavier and would have qualified as obese on a BMI chart, but I was down into a size ten and I even wore a two piece bathing suit for a summer.  Me!  In a bikini!  What???

That winter, I met my husband to be while drunk off my ass, dancing on a chair at a New Year's Eve party.  This is how I looked:

But...all good things (bad things?) come to an end and they took ephedra off the market.  I began treatment for bipolar disorder, which included a mood stabilizer.  Mark and I moved in together and I remember a picture from moving day.  I looked good, yet I was still fixated on my arms; they were too big.  I was still too big.

Once Mark and I shacked up, I started cooking.  A lot.  But I remained in a range I thought was fairly reasonable.  I started lifting before our wedding in July of 2005 and while I wasn't in the shape I might have liked, I was pretty OK with how I looked.  Shortly thereafter, I got pregnant and even then I was still OK.  Heavier than I would have liked, but not terrible.

In 2009, I changed jobs and easily packed on another twenty to thirty pounds.  I was no longer able to buy most of my clothes in standard women's sizes.  I was at that point, deeply uncomfortable.  I couldn't easily get out of the corner of my couch.  When I went on a class field trip to Washington, D.C., I had a hard time keeping up with colleagues who were younger than me.  The truth is, at my heaviest, I didn't feel good.   It had nothing to do with my self image, but everything to do with how I felt.  I had to get up off that couch.

This was taken about a month before I took my first class at Tuff Girl.

Which brings me to the whole fat acceptance movement.  I want to believe that you can be healthy/happy/whatever regardless of your size, yet I found that just hasn't been the case for me.  Since I started training and getting my eating under control, I've never felt better.  I don't have it all together yet.  There have been setbacks.  I am nowhere near a position where moderation is a possibility.  No, I can't just have a few spoonfuls of ice cream and put the rest away.  I can't eat a handful of potato chips and walk away.  I hope I get there some day.

But, in the meantime, I'm proud of how far I've come.

About to do my first 5K Obstacle Course, April 2013

The gold sequin dress I wore to a holiday party this year.  For real.  This took some serious body confidence.

But I'm still not where I want to be.  Not yet.  I have moments where I look in the mirror and I can see my hamstrings or my calve muscles and I think, damn...you are strong!  But sadly, my first thought upon seeing a picture of me smashing my deadlift PR?  Ugh...you look gross.  

So, its a struggle...a struggle that seems to never end.  And for however far I have come, I still have so far to go.  

Sisterhood is powerful...and wouldn't we all be better off if we supported each other and ourselves, instead of tearing each other down?  

All Day Cooking-palooza!

Because I was a teenager in the 90s and went to Lollapalooza more than once myself...

Yeah, I was there...what?

Anyway, usually this extravaganza of cooking/food prep happens on Sundays, but because of President's Day, I had an extra day this week and last night was our splurge meal at Max Burger in West Hartford, which I normally love, but made me pretty ill last night.  Which I'm taking as a good sign.

What I made:

1.  Primavera Bolognese

2.  Tuna Noodle Casserole

3.  Sloppy Joe Stuffed Peppers

4.  Asian chicken with cauliflower fried rice

5.  Paleo blueberry muffins

What I  did:

First of all, I'm not going to lie...this little project did take me close to six hours.  But I also made three recipes for the first time, which always adds to the time.  You could also break it down into smaller steps, too.  I could have, for example, processed more of the veggies when I got home from the store yesterday.

1.  Prepped and roasted veggies for bolognese.  This is one of those awesome "hide the veggies" recipes.  It doesn't have to be, but for my little babe, it works best to hide the veggies, so they get roasted, then pureed, before I make the actual sauce.

2.  Made the unbelievably yum smelling marinade for the chicken thighs.  Put those in the refrigerator to let them marinate until I cook them tomorrow.

3.  Made the cauliflower fried rice...mostly out of curiosity.  Plus, I was letting my roasted veggies for the sauce cool a bit before I started working with them.
     It was pretty good; albeit a bit mushy.  I think I may have over-processed my cauliflower a bit.

4.  Made the tuna noodle casserole.

5.  Made the stuffed peppers.

6.  Made paleo blueberry muffins.

How I Did It:

• Karen Lenahan's Primavera Bolognese with spaghetti squash

     Aside from making a massive amount (think double batch; plenty to freeze), its also delicious and  everyone in the house loves it.

                                                    Primavera Bolognese Recipe

     You can also find out more about Karen and her amazing catering/take out/bakery business here:


                                               

   

    Small Kitchen Big Taste

• Asian marinated chicken thighs and cauliflower fried rice  

Nom Nom Paleo Asian Chicken Thighs

       The "rice" I'm improvising from a few different recipes I've seen on-line

Cauliflower Fried Rice:

Ingredients:

1 small head cauliflower "riced" in a food processor
    This a pretty simple process -- cut off the florets and then process in food processor until the              cauliflower becomes a rice-like consistency.

3 strips of nitrite-free thick-cut bacon, cut into small strips

handful of asparagus, trimmed and cut into small pieces

1/2 medium sized eggplant, cubed

handful of mushrooms

small onion, diced

scallions

fresh ginger, grated on a microplane, about a tbsp. total

1 tbsp coocnut aminos

1 tbsp fish sauce

Directions:

1.  Fry up the bacon, removing the bacon from the pan when crisp.

2.  At this point, if you were going for a more authentic fried rice, you'd do a quick, very thin omlette in the pan, but I was making this to have a tomorrow, so I skipped this part.

3.  Start adding in veggies.  You could use a mix of any of the above veggies and there are many others that would probably be pretty good, too.

4.  Once veggies have softened up a bit, then add in the cauliflower and the remaining ingredients.  Cover and cook for about four to five minutes.

This tasted pretty yummy as I took it off the stove, albeit the consistency of the cauliflower wasn't much like rice.  I also don't really love rice, so this doesn't bother me.  If texture is your thing, this might bother you.  I've now used cauliflower as a stand-in for mashed potatoes and found pureed cauliflower to be just as good.  I've also used it to make breadsticks and those were pretty Ok, too.

Tuna Noodle Casserole

Yum...noodles...crunchy topping...so not OK.

I had such a craving for real tuna noodle casserole; you know...with lots of cheese, egg noodles, tuna creamy with canned soup, crushed up potato chips on top...and yes, a nutritional nightmare and not exactly the stuff truly splurge-worthy meals are made of, so I figured tuna was too rich a protein source for someone not to have messed around with this recipe.  I was right...  I found a couple different recipes and sorta combined both to come up with this:

Ingredients

1.  1 large head cabbage (I used purple; its prettty...standard green would work just great, too)

2.  Olive oil, coconut oil, or bacon grease for brushing on the cabagge

3.  Salt and pepper

4.  1 onion

5.  8 oz button mushrooms

6.  handful of the inner stems from a celery heart, diced

7.  4 cloves garlic

8.  ½ can anchovies

9.  2 Tbsp butter

10.  1 ½ Tbsp arrowroot powder

11.  1 can coconut milk or 1 1/2 cups milkl

12.  3 (7-oz) cans tuna

13.  ½ lb frozen spinach

14.  ½ cup Wallaby organic sour cream  (seriously...you'll thank me)

15.  1/2 cup almond "bread crumbs" on top

Directions

• Preheat oven to 400˚ F
• Slice cabbage into disks, brush with cooking fat (I used bacon grease), salt and pepper

• Bake for 230-45 minutes, keeping an eye on it.  This will depend on the thickness of the slices you cut.
• Add the cooking fat to a large pot. Dice the onion and saute the onion in the oil over medium-low heat.
• While the onion is cooking, thinly slice the mushrooms. Add them to the pot and continue to saute. Mince the garlic, add it to the pot, and continue to saute until the mushrooms and onions have released all of their water and become limp. There should be no water pooled on the bottom of the pot.
• Add in anchovies if desired and try to break them up a bit with your cooking spoon
• Add the butter to the pot and allow it to melt. When it is completely melted, add the arrowroot powder. Stir the arrowroot powder and butter together with the onions, mushrooms, and garlic. The mixture will form a thick paste. Continue to stir and cook this mixture for 1-2 minutes, or until it begins to coat the bottom of the pot and turn slightly golden brown. 
• Add in the milk
• Stir to incorporate and bring up to a simmer, stirring additionally occasionally.
  • The sauce will not take too long to thicken.
• Season with pepper and salt (not too much, though, those anchovies will bring a lot of salt)
• Once thick enough to coat a spoon, turn off the heat and set aside
• Add in tuna and sour cream
• You can either thaw your frozen spinach and drain it of water, or just throw it in with the sauce and let it melt in there...I just threw mine in and stirred.
• I then separated the cabbage slices into "noodles" and mixed them up with the tuna sauce 
• Top casserole with almond breadcrumbs

• Preheat oven to 350˚  and bake for 20 minutes

The pre-baked mixture was delicious; just the tuna noodle casserole goodness I had been craving, minus the garbage I didn't want to eat.  Day of, I will heat this up in the oven and viola!  Dinner will be served.

Sloppy Joe Stuffed Peppers

This is a modification of Rachael Ray's sloppy joe recipe, which is a dead-on copy of the types of sloppy joes you remember if you grew up in the 70s and 80s and your mom used a spice packet or some sort of canned sauce.  This just takes out a little sugar and replaces the rolls with peppers and adds some more veggies to the meat mixture.  I took out the brown sugar, subbed in a teensy bit of maple syrup, and added carrots and chopped zucchini.

Cookies, Soup, and Consumption

Just a few exciting things to share today...  I have developed a horrible, 19th century, overly romantic cough that only reminds me of Camille-style consumption.  You know, that horrible disease that  befell upper class women of the Gilded Age, just as they were about to marry the loves of their lives?  In reality, that was tuberucolosis, but for a time, as a child, I didn't know that...it just all seemed romantic.

You know, like this scene from "Moulin Rouge" where Satine collapses.  

So tragic.

So, yeah...like that.  Except not at all really.  

But I do feel crappy and I definitely felt like the only thing that might make me feel better would be a nice, steamy bowl of chicken noodle soup.  Like my Italian grandmother and mom always made. Only one problem:  the noodles.  The pasta.  Ugh.  So what did I do?  

In the past, there were a number of things I could have done.  Well, I could have chosen the easiest of easy options and tore open a package of ramen and the salt might have killed me, but the broth would have been hot...so worth it, maybe?  Yeah, probably not.  

Or we could have ordered some soup from the local Chinese take out, which would have probably come with a side of crab rangoon, at the very least.  Yeah, MSG.  Nope, not happpening.

I could have made my mom's traditional recipe, replete with lots of noodles.  Or, I could hybridize a few recipes and come up with something new, something nutritious and comforting.  Obviously, I chose option three.  I mean, I don't think I'd do a whole blog post about Chinese take out.

I started with Rachael Ray's quick, chicken noodle soup as a base and eventually arrived at this:

Ingredients

2 tablespoons (2 turns around the pan) extra-virgin olive oil

Two big hand fulls of baby carrots (they were the only kind of carrots I had) 

1 parsnip, peeled and chopped

2 medium onions, chopped

3 ribs celery, chopped -- I made sure to take the inner most ribs of celery, where all the leaves live; 

that's where all that yummy celery flavor is 

3 cloves of garlic, chopped

2 bay leaves, fresh or dried

Salt and pepper

1 tsp ground cloves (my Italian grandmother put cloves in a lot of things...you'd never guess and I 

only figured it out much, much later...it made a lot of her food taste kind of sweet and was also not 

an entirely uncommon practice among Italians in her region of Italy (Marche) which is on the 

Adriatic coast

1 small can diced organic tomatoes

8 cups good quality chicken stock

1 pound chicken breasts, diced

3 handfuls or so of baby spinach (probably more..as much as you can fit in)

3 medium to large size zucchini cut into "noodles"

Zoodles!  This was my first time using them.

YUM!

A handful fresh parsley, chopped

Directions:

I peeled my zucchini and had Mark take over.  He zoodled, while I cut up chicken.  Ick.  

I coated the bottom of my large dutch oven with extra virgin olive oil.

Then I started chopping up my other veggies.  I use a mini chopper for this.  I just find it a lot easier and faster when I have a large quantity of veggies that need to be chopped into small bits.  Its cheating. Whatevs.

As I chopped one group, starting with the top of the list, I dropped it into the hot pan.  This is a Ray-Ray pro-tip:  work next to the stove, so you can, as she says, "Chop and drop."  Easy-peasy.  And who would have thought the same woman who made mac and cheese with hot dogs and ketchup (seriously??!!) would have useful advice and/or recipes?  Well, I did actually.  

I worked through the remainder of the ingredient list, pausing after adding the chicken.  I added the spinach in toward the end and the zoodles waited until the very, very end.

Bottom line:  so delicious, so comforting and warm, plus a ton of leftovers.  Also, Max said it was the "best soup ever!" 

Score.

Snickerdoodles

And yes, I mentioned cookies.  Glorious, grain-free, pretty low carb COOKIES.  I made these beauties last night to bring to my mom's for a family dinner.  

Behold:

The most simple ingredient list imaginable: 

Ingredients

• 2 1/2 cups blanched almond flour
• 1/2 cup arrowroot powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp sea salt
• 5 tbsp coconut oil, melted
• 1/2 cup pure maple syrup
• 2 tbsp pure vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

Instructions

1. In a large bowl, combine flour, arrowroot powder, baking soda and salt.
2. In a small bowl, whisk together melted butter, maple syrup, vanilla and cinnamon, until well blended.
3. Add wet ingredients to the dry, using a fork to blend until thoroughly combined.
4. Chill dough in refrigerator for a half-hour (or up to 24-hours).
5. When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees.
6. Scoop dough, one tablespoon at a time, and roll into a ball using your hands. Place dough balls on a parchment-lined baking sheet and use a fork dipped in cinnamon flatten.
7. Bake for 10-12 minutes, until lightly golden around edges. Allow to cool on baking sheet for five minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to finish cooling.   I would check these after nine minutes or so.  They will be soft and may not seem "done," but I've found that almond flour baked goods often don't seem done, but they firm up a lot once they cool.

Again, I know I'm doing it right when Max loves them and doesn't suspect there's less than a half cup of sweetner in the entire recipe (which supposedly yields two dozen cookies, but I must make mine big, because I made about a dozen and a half.)

Also....if you're stopping by and checking out my page...SAY HELLO!  I mean, its kinda rude not to say hi...would you not say hi if you saw me on the street?  Wouldn't you greet me if you came into my home?  

Happy snow!  

xoxo,

Tina

My First Real Food Post..BREAKFAST!

You might wonder what "diet" I follow...that's kinda the point...I don't.  I eat real, whole, clean food and I try and stick to low carb as I journey toward a more lean physique (I want all/most/some of my amazing muscles to be more visible).  I also haven't quite gotten into actual recipe writing yet, so mostly I will be providing you with links to recipes I've used and the notes about the modifications I've made, as well their success and/or failure.

Let me begin with my breakfast for today.  Upon reviewing my goals, I decided it would make sense to try and limit my total carb intake.  Again, I am not doing Atkins, if anything its sorta Paleo/Primal-ish (god I hate both of those terms, but more on that later...).  I also think that carbs are my biggest downfall, food-wise.  I will happily consume a bag of potato chips, or a half a pound of pasta, or a huge plate of fries (preferably topped with cheese) and when I started eating clean again, I realized that I was still relying heavily on carbs for the bedrock of my diet, albeit in healthier forms.  Think sweet potatoes, farro, quinoa, Ezekiel bread, whole wheat pasta, brown rice, steel cut oats.  And I realized that perhaps that was part of the problem for me, maybe I needed to let that all go.  At least for awhile.  And when some people mentioned how satiating protein and fat (mixed in with lots of veggies) can be, I was intrigued and have since realized there is something to all of that.  I also have always loved dairy and tolerate it with no issues.  So, more full fat plain Greek yogurt for me!  Wee!

Back to my breakfast...  I love something warm and carb-y in the morning.  I mean, there was a reason I chose to start the day with steel cut oats, right?  I've always loved hot cereal (Farina and grits with tons of butter and brown sugar were always personal faves), but to maximize my goals, I needed to cut it out.  So I have.  I mostly eat eggs for breakfast.  But I was home this morning with lots of time, so I decided to try out a Paleo recipe for a hot cereal.

Again, not pretty...  my photography skills need work

Paleo Breakfast Cereal

Courtesy of Paleospirit...recipe here!

Ingredients

• 2 ripe bananas (or one large, very ripe, plantain), mashed
• 2 cups coconut milk (I used milk, again...no problems with the final product)
• 3/4 cup almond meal
• 1/4 cup flax meal (I used whole flax seed with no ill effects)
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ginger
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon celtic sea salt (My sea salt of choice right now is Pink Himalyan)
• maple syrup or raw honey (optional)
• toppings like berries, unsweetened coconut flakes, nuts, seeds, etc… (I added some chopped pecans I had on hand)

I also added in a scoop of Jay Robb protein powder to make sure I was going to get plenty of protein.

Instructions

Combine all ingredients in a medium saucepan and heat to a slow simmer, stirring, until thick and bubbly.

The consistency will vary depending on the type of coconut milk you use. (I usually use “light” coconut milk) The mixture will seem thin at first but thicken up quickly. It will continue to thicken after it is served so you may need to add extra water or coconut milk.

The Result

Well, you can see mine up there a bit.  This was delicious:  excellent porridge-y texture, just enough sweetness (mind you I didn't add in any sweetners beyond the banana) and so warm on such a winter's day.  I had blueberries, which I should have added, but I forgot.

Wasn't particularly labor intensive, mostly because the ingredient list was comprised of things I already have on hand.  

I will definitely make this again and will store the leftovers and keep you posted about how well they handle re-heating.

My Statement of Purpose

You know...everyone says we need to have a mission in life.  And mission can be interpreted to mean any number of things, but it seems that every inspirational poster, every article I read on leadership, points to not only having goals, but to having an overall mission in life; a purpose, if you will.  

Yep, Stephen Covey

So, here's mine... and why I'm starting (again) another blog that may or may not end up occupying a dusty, forgotten corner of the interwebz.  For now, though, I'm trying to stay focused in my life, and I am hoping that this blog will help me do that.

Plus, one of my dreams is to be a well compensated lifestyle blogger...its like the 2010s version of being a magazine writer, only you can write whatever the hell you want AND you can do it in your pajamas.  Or maybe more like being a rock start.  Whatever...

I intend this to be a space to mostly share recipes with my family and friends as I try hard to inspire people to eat more healthfully, move more, and live more fully.  I may also post random ramblings about popular culture, fashion (of the kind you can purchase for little money at say...Marshall's), beauty (I heart make up), lifting heavy things, and maintaining work/life balance with a crazy hectic schedule.  

Here I am lifting something heavy:

Nope, it ain't pretty...its just HEAVY.

Almost 300 lbs of heavy.

Here I am with my son...he doesn't weigh even a fraction of that:

(Oh, and hey guys...this lets me post pictures directly from my phone...WHOA!)

I suppose I have not entirely revealed my mission, my first things, my purpose.  My purpose is to continue to eat healthy, real foods made (mostly) with my own hands, to share recipes, to become a truly great teacher, be a wonderful mother, wife, friend, and person.  Not exactly a short list.

Kinda makes me feel like this, when I'm getting it all done:

Linda Carter...the only WONDERWOMAN...EVER.

I was born in '76, what did you expect?

Also, I am hardly ever getting it all done.

Maybe I need some snazzy wrist cuffs?

So here I go, armed with a gold lasso and an invisible plane.